back to work!

well its saturday morning, and ive had my first week back at work sice going off sick at the beginning of may!

It hasnt been that bad, but again i havnt worked that hard, really spent the time doing paperwork, and seeing a few customers.

Next week is going to be the real challenge, this is when i have loads of appointments, seeing clients and business meetings, so we shall see how it goes!

My boss was out with me on thursday and told him exactly what i had got, he stated that if im starting to feel crap, i need to tell him, he would rather me have the odd day off sick, rather than getting chronically fatigued and having 4 weeks off. So things could be on the up.

My boss has historically been very bad deaqling with sickness, but think occupatonal health have got to him.

I can tell you it is quite weird having the ogre be nice!

hugs

lewis

xx

a bit of light refreshment

Gosh i wish i had a cock that big hehe!

Ok has some bad news on wednesday afternoon, my hep c viral load has shot back up and am seeing the hep c nurse this morning.

It is strange, but i think i might be slightly relieved as well as a mixture of guttedness!

I have not been a complete angel on medication and some might say you silly bugger, but to be honest on the whole i have tried my best.

I work on my own, and live on my own, and so now and again have gone out and had a mad week end. This has involved the odd drink and other intoxicating substance, but i have dealt with alot of shit since july last year and it has been my coping mechanism, my pressure gage.

I have shut myself away enough over the last six months, because medication has made me uncertain, insecure and lacking in confidence. Most of the time i have been scared of leaving the house and had turned into a paranoid nutter.

By going out and having a little shandy or two i have been able to deal with social issues and get out the house for a change, it has been my relief, my steam release.

But now im faced with the news that my viral load has shot up. The nurse thinks it is due to other medication i am on which has stopped the hep c medication working, so they are going to do another pcr test this afternoon.

So what are the choices i face right now?

Well tonight im due to do my 29th shot, which means i have 20 weeks of hep c meds left.

I think the questions i need to ask are the following

1) if i am a little angel completely and utterly for the next 20 weeks, am i going to be driven mad by the isolation and am i going to clear the virus?

2) I have now changed my other medication so will this make a difference to the hep c med effectiveness.

3) At 12 weeks i was not undetectible, but had had a 2 log drop as required?

4) Am i classed as a slow responder and if so would they consider 72 weeks of treatment?

5) The nurse said this could be a false result could it be? how likely is this?

well i dont think i have been that big a cock, but you decide!

hugs

lewis

xxx

ok and now for todays news

ok had the results of my PCR today and the virus has broken through big time, its back in the millions and i really do not know what to think.

In a way i am lucky, i caught this early, and i dont have liver damage yet, it will be 20 years before that happens, so in a way i have to count my blessings. it doesnt stop my head being all over the place though.

My neutrophils are rock bottom and this week, the last week before going back to work, i have had a severe tooth and gum infection, i am on antibiotics for it and just feel really shit, have had nasty stuff coming out my mouth and am totally fed up!

Have got to go back to see the nurse on friday to discuss further options as this could be a blip caused by other medication that i am on. Im trying not to get upset, but to be honest, the hell i have been through the last six months just makes me so fucking angry, i always knew there was a chance this would not work, but was assured i had a very good chance.

all i can say at the moment is bollocks. to be honest i am totally numb .

Anyway im signing off cos just dont know what else to write.

lewis
xx

cor blimey!

Don't panic!

Literally just posted the last one, but thought id just let you guys know, just by expressing this, i feel tonnes better, or should i say a few pebbles lighter - thanks Jae, chrissy and Uncertain.

Think im going to try and get some kip again, its now nearly 2am and hopefully getting it out, means ill get some sleep tonight.

big hugs

lewis

theres something not quite right

Theres something not quite right tonight

Thoughts running through my head

lay here in the quiet and dark

sheets clinging to my legs

Can you see? Whats running through my mind

The darkest thoughts, to leave it all behind

These things arnt safe, god where is the good?

My mind plays tricks, thoughts of gushing blood...

Sweat trickles down my spine,

the darkness seeping in

Where is unconcious bliss?

Enduring the passing time

Can you see? Whats running through my mind?

The darkest thoughts to leave it all behind

I hold out my hands, pleading in my bed

Cos all is done, but i dont want to be dead

Laying here in the night

knives run around my head

just had a vivid thought,

graphic way to end up dead

Can you see? Thoughts running through like lead

A Car, the sea, my life , my soul

the car hits a barrier, a pole

flys up smashing into my head

These thoughts are the darkest wine

Of blood and violence i find

Whats wrong with life,

why cant dying be kind?

Can you see? Thoughts running through my mind?

the darkest things, to leave it all behind

These things arnt safe, when all is said

The darkness comes when sleeping in my bed.

Isolated virus killer

wow found this on you tube, pretty much describes everything

hugs
x

Hmmmmmm!

Cor ! This medication they give you for hepC is toxic Stuff. Started Anit - depressants monday, as really been having nutty side effects hit me.

Very dark thoughts, and a place that i don't want to go to very often.

Had a really lovely weekend planned, was driving up to Worcester to see my sister tonight, and gorgeous little nephew, stay at mum and dads, and then drive up to the hep C forum on saturday, however my collective brain cells had another idea.

Watching holby city last night, and looked around the flat, been quite under the weather recently, so not been my usual efficient self. The flat is a state, and im due back at work monday, and i started to think of all the things that would have to be done in order to achieve all my goals, but can't cos i am physically and mentally knackered! My heart starts racing, panic attack ensues. i go to bed and start having very nasty thoughts.

Finally get to sleep, wake up this morning (think i finally fell asleep about 4am!) at six thirty and just for an instant everything was ok. Then the same horrible feelings began to invade.

Its like an insipid black fear that crawls down your shoulders, drips down your back and makes you shudder! A fear and depression that nothing is alright and everything is wrong.

You worry about what people think of you, whether you look strange, in fact everysort of self doubt available, piles on you like a tonne of gravel and to get out you have to remove it pebble by pebble.

Rang my parents told them i wont be coming up had a panic attack
Messaged some dear friends on the forum to appologise for cancelling - they rang me, the little sweeties, panic attack ensuing. big hugs to yuo both!

I think your amazing!

Rang my sister, and work colleague and got myself off to the doctors - this shit is fucking strong!

Spoke to my GP, explaining, he knows my history! Signed off for another two weeks.........

He did suggest a small does of an anti psych drug, but refused saying ill see what the Anti depressants do! Woah!!!!

Deep breath right now!

So get back home, finally starting to feel the pressure is off, i can get through this my own pace and own way. Decide to have a bath. Shave my head, generally try and be bit more in control, possibly considering cleaning the flat, at least it is only one job, one step forward and not a tonne of gravel all at once.


My mother rings, mum if you read this, take note!

I know they love me and want to be there, however my mother says " Were coming down tomorrow to give you a hug!"

Would love it, but - i look at the flat, think of allthe work i have to do, what i will have to do in order for me to feel comfortable with my family coming down, and instantly

Oh my god - washing - loads of it, cleaning -loads of it, self grooming - loads of it, actually every job in the house really, and instantly THAT PRESSURE IS BACK! again, rather than one job, 20 jobs and that black oil begins to flow!

So mum if you read this and i think i expressed it on the phone but just incase your still thinking to show up tomorrow.

The only control i have right now, because of this medication, is that i can get through this in My own way, and at MY pace. And as much as i want a hug, let me come up and get one, let me get one when i decide and when im mentally prepared.

I love you all deeply, but put this extra pressure on me now, and my control goes away.

So calling my sister later to reinforce that point, and if they do appear tomorrow morning, iknow it is done for a good reason, i will be very angry.

Hugs

From lets hope the cipramil kicks in soon!"