Wednesday 25 April 2007

oh god





OH GOD......
WHERE ARE YOU KNOW?
AND WHAT YOU GONNA DO
ABOUT THE MESS IVE MADE?
IF THERE WAS EVER A SOUL TO SAVE
IT MUST BE ME
IT MUST BE ME
DEAR GOD.....
OH HOW CAN I SURVIVE?
WILL I MAKE THIS DROP THIS DIVE?
WHEN IT ALL COMES TO THIS
IM LOOKING DOWN AT THE ABYSS
WHERE YOU DONT EXIST
YOU DONT EXIST
BUT IF YOU HEAR ME
IF YOU CAN SEE ME...
I KNOW I CANT BE THAT STRONG
COS EVERYTHING I EVER DID WENT
WRONG
EVERYTHING I EVER DID WENT WRONG
OH GOD
NOW WHERE DO I COME IN?
GONE AND BROKEN EVERYTHING
SO I HOPE YOULL UNDERSTAND
IF SOMEONE NEEDED A HELPING HAND
IT MUST BE NOW
IT MUST BE NOW
ANNIE LENNOX


theres a hole in my bucket dear liza


ok, something is definately going on, woke up this morning, yeahee back to work, but took the executive decision to work from home because i have loads of paper work to catch up on.
have taken my new tablets, but alas where the fuck is my boundless energy.
Surely it will come back, but i feel like myself and my energy have had a lovers tiff, it has stormed out (it has abandonment issues), and alas has not returned!
I have put posters up in the local neightbourhood, but no one has seen my lost energy. Think i will have to give it up for lost, and go to scottish power and see if i can pick up a new one thats obviously been abandoned by its previous owners!
The sun is like a big nuclear power station so think i will go and sit in the garden and do a supermanesque absorption technique!
It didnt work though, just got too hot lol.
Well if you see my energy walking doiwn the road ( last seen with a brown stick and red hankerchief bundle over its sholder - containing my brain), please ring the missing energy helpline, i hear they helped enron no end!
hugs
xxx

Monday 23 April 2007

hep c ditties


RIBA RAGE

Work and Hospital, a two pronged attack
social injustice, no longer the knack
i can feel this emotion deep inside
supressing the feeling, no longer can hide.
am sat at this computer, off sick again today
but work colleagues ringing, answer for pay
this feeling is burning, like gavisconesqe pain
its coming to the surface, think its going to rain
The fxxxxxg little shits, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
cant you see im in bed ON MY RIBA THRONE
Fxxx OFF YOU BASTARDS, JUST GO BURN IN HELL
DEVIL FORKS UP THE ARSE AND YOUR SOUL TO SELL!
The boss he is there, like a constant throb
just hit out and feel my fist in your gob
hospital dont do a half way PCR
FEEL LIKE RUNNING THEM OVER IN MY GORGEOUS MOTOR CAR!
So when will this pass this feeling of rage
ive heard herbals work, rosemary, clary and sage
JUST THROWN CUSHIONS AROUND MY BEDROOM
LEARNED NOT SO THROW HARD THINGS, THEY COMEBACK TOO SOON.
So this redness, this greyness, this Fxxxxxx MAROON
this rage will not settle, i know im not a loon
FOR GITS SAKE THE WORLD CAN JUST TURN ROUND ONCE MORE
As i grab my bosses throat, and increase the pressure some more.
hugz lewis xxx
love and light, strength and MIGHT



the train, was chuffing up the hill
the trail of steam made it look ill
the dark tunnel came from round the bend
depression and illness my mind will send
the light the love, the strength the might
the train went in out of sight
came out the tunnel into the light
the light the love the strength the might
A fairy came with magic wand
from shropshire hills the light the love a special bond
The train fell level no more hill
, green feilds and water, from fairy sheilds
It rested at the station, long
untill the time table sang its song
the steam blew out, the wheels turned
and off up the hill the engine churned
the love the light the fairy gave
caused a rest, its sanity saved
so up the hill the engine ran
its steam restored, it will it can.
hugz lewis xx
OTHER HEPPERS RIBA RAGE


the sky did darken, the birds took flight
brimstone fell, and god took fright
cos facing up the bell going bong
first round fight so right but so wrong
its stells and jon boy punch and block
the snipers tongue, flicks and locks
this magnamic tussle of mammoth gods
its zeus and idepus the little sods!
Written in the skys this titanic clash
who will win or scratch my rash!
the battle commences the colluseum falls
for its jonboy and stells,
god theyve got balls"!
hugz lewis
FOR CHRISSY


As the sun rises over the craggy rock face
the smugglers hear an atherial noise
is it the crashing of the cornish waves
as they listen and smell and poise.
They wait in antisipation, there breath moist on the air
Theres a flicker a whizz and a mischaevios cackle
they lunge back feet wet, and stare!
golden light, like flickering medalions
a cornish treasure to behold
its worth more than the leprechauns, or the pot of gold
theres a whizz in the ear, their hair stands on end
a thousand sniggers and such,
its the queen of the pixies
and smugglers beware' for theres nothing to be done
well not much!
For all rages and anger and bad deeds, disipate from the smugglers minds
In stead they think of carrott cake, or mischaevous chocolate finds.
They rush out the cave with their loot far behind,
their minds in a stupor and grind,
for now its an obsession, a task, a quest
for a police uniform they must find!
So this is for that cornish delicacy, so very special and rare
Its the light of that golden flicker that brings you back to care
Policeman up and down the land will warn you of her tricks
she will take photos of you in the bath, for its how she gets her kicks.
So heppers one and all tonight sleep soundly in your beds
for derby brings that flickering light ,
of the pixie doing her thing
its that gorgeous mind and naughty glint, that chrissy she will bring.


Sunday 22 April 2007

for sans tenerife venture




Dear Sans,




after your offer of providing a holiday home for you in teneriffe, i forthwith pledge my lifesavings of £1.40 several buttons and some bellybutton fluff.




However i do have several rich german friends who promise to be good as long as they can bring their towels.

ps. This is me with one of my best friends on Holiday in Amsterdam.

The pic on the left is me with my towel removed

hehehe



Thursday 19 April 2007

possible temperal shift


Just to let you know, i went to see an NHS councellor yesterday, being refered from the hospital, to learn how i can control the feelings of anxiety and panic attacks when at work.
The guy was by himself, and it took 15 minutes of me ringing a buzzer at an obscure door at the back of a small theatre and then ringing a constantly engaged phone of which i eventually got an answer before being let in!
He explained that his colleagues were off sick and he was buy himself, but sit down.
He then explained that this was a triage session to determine the help i needed.
He asked whether i had
a) feelings of hopelessness .......tick
b)feelings of anxiety.............. thats what my referal said didnt it?
c) Did i have suicidal thoughts.......tick
d) What stopped me killing myself...........well that would be because i have the largest penis in the world and it would be a waste!.......mmm perhaps self worth?????
e) He then asked me to explain what happened when i had a pani.........sorry lewis the phone ringing have to answer it(this happened at least 5 times in 40 minte interview)
f) What coping mechanisms did i already have?????.......wasnt that why i was there to learn some??????
g)Phone ringing again......did i mind????
h)he then asked me to explain my dark thoughts to which i explained right now i was thinking of grabbing the phone and the computer he was using, stuffing it up his jacksy and then jumping on his belly till i got a broad band connection whereupon i could log on and get to this forum....my one true coping mechanism.
He then asked me to look through several work books on anxiety and panic attacks which are designed for you to work through and get you thinking why your gremlins are talking to you.
oh he then asked if i heard voices that wernt my own. I said constantly.....especially when i go out side :twisted:
to this he looked concerned, asked if i thought the work books would be useful, i replied in the affirmative.
he went to photocopy them and came back appologising because he had only managed to photocopy half of one work book before the photocopier broke down.
Not only does he now do broadband, he spouts complete pages of bollocks!
just remember people........
if anyone can; cannon can!
hugz
lewisxxx

ok im knackered




Well its official, i am shattered, have done two evening meetings this week, one meeting on Tuesday night was at the Restaurant the Hungry Monk, beautiful food with a speaker on Osteoporosis, which i sell a product to, and the one last night was for a launch meeting for a new study on COPD or chronic obstructive lung disease in laymans terms which i also sell a product for.


The one last night went really well, but i have been planning and preparing for it for about a month. My manager came, and he totally swings with the wind, one day my name is mud, the next im great and very professional.


I posted this picture, because its the aircraft life jacket diagram, advising passengers if they need more air in their life jacket, they can top it up.


Could someone top me up please!, i am meant to have today off, but the hospital has rung, and i have to go educate 18 GP's on respiritory disease.


No rest for the wicked, and if there are any sexy men out there?...........


I CAN BE VERY, VERY WICKED HEHEHE!




Sunday 15 April 2007

oh my god, william has split from kate!


Thats right you bitch run and hide. No wonder kate has split from william, i mean after all, who would want to join a family, where they have constantly been inbred for a thousand years, they all have a familiar look to a horse, and you get obtrusive flashes almost everyday!
I thought it was about time i wrote, as over the weekend didnt really feel like it! Woke up this morning, and this news story was every where.
It really pisses me off, i mean there are somany problems in the world and this is the headline story. As far as i am concerned people should earn and value their position in life, not just be handed it on a plate.
i have met so many inspiring people on the hepc forum facing life and its advirsity, that to be honest i really couldnt give a flying toss about whether william has stopped boning his st andrews student shag.
Think i might have the riba rage, but jesus christ.
Its the same when you watch the local news and you get a story like 15 people killed in school fire, then afterwards a story about how a cat gave birth to 15 kittens. "dont worry people life really is cute and fluffy".
Cute and fluffy my arse, but to the royals with their hightened position in life what pressure do they really have other than prince william having to spend £5000 the other night on his bar bill to get over kate. Oh Oh thats such a lot of pressure, ddamn, now ill have to go out next time and spend 10 grand oh the pressure i can't handle it, my fuckin arse!
They want spend just one day in the shoes of myself and some of the people going through medication for hep c, then they will know what life means!
Actually think im going to write to the BBC, have a new idea for a programme " royal swap". This would be a primetime programme where the royals would really earn their money. For example, the queen would swap with a toilet attendent from waymouth. Prince phillip would readily accept a position as a polish immigrant fruit picker, and harry and william would readily go pick coccles in morcambe bay.
just think of the ratings!

Jose Gonzalez - Hints

this is such a beautiful song, makes me go all sh

Saturday 14 April 2007

The Hours Movie Trailer 2002

to know life for what it is, to know it, to love it, and then put it away.....

to know life for what it is, to know it to love it then put it away.

i am posting this clip of the hours today, it is one of my favourite films and i shall probably watch it today.

It is about three women going through some tough times and to me it is about how they deal with the hours in life. do you count them down?

They are each in there own way dealing with life but the central theme that links the three stories is vaginia wolfs book, mrs dalloway, a story about a woman who everyone thinks is happy, because she is always throwing parties, but inside and in between the soiree's, she is dead, there is no soul left no fight. Can kind of relate!

god im being mordlin today

The Hours Movie Trailer 2002

to know life for what it is, to know it, to love it, and then to put it away.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - 50 First Dates

how im feeling today

somewhere over the rainbow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sILPuEPGoFI

Watch this gorgeous video and song, trying to post it from you tube. Really strange, woke up this morning with it in my head.

I new it was from the film fifty first dates, but gosh how weird to wake up with it in my head. Went to the hospital yesterday, have to go on more medication because have not had good results.

am in bed, so tired, managed to finish work yesterday, and really havee tried, but that was just four day week, next week is a five day week and ive no idea how im going to get through it. im just going to get through it as best i can.

Fuck, lifes shit at the moment, but maybe my trouble will melt like lemon drops.

hugs

lewis

Monday 9 April 2007

the forbidden link


What a great day today on the hepc forum bless you all, and good luck to carol.


Here for all you heppers is the link to the angels in america scene between emma and meryl.


Think we should call it angelgate!



naughty me!

An American Tail


ok ,havnt written in you for a while, so this is going to be a long one and sort of a weird one too!
Well after my week off work i went back feeling refreshed and ready to crack on! The fact that i only had four days to go untill my american friend came over had nothing to do with the fact that i was in a good mood!
I booked a hotel on Brighton Seafront because i only live in a studio flat, and also a fishermans cottage in the gorgeous cornish village of Polperro.
We met in Madrid in October 05 and Sparks flew. Since then we had been phoning and emailing reguarly. A very Handsome guy who was coming to spend ten days with me! Or so i thought.
He arrived on the friday, and what became quite apparent on the first night as i sat in the local Gay pub watching him eat face with someone was that this perhaps was not going to be what i expected!
It culminated on the Sunday night, (we were supposed to be driving to cornwall on the monday morning), with us going for a lovely meal and chat, i suggested we go back to the hotel for a quiet drink, he wanted to go to a gay bar so again we ended up in the Bulldog, where there was a friend of mine. The bar closed about 1am and i offered my dutch friend who we met in the bar a lift home as we were going in his direction. My American friend invited him back to the hotel. We sat in the bar having a few more drinks and quite a good chat, then as it was getting late, so i suggest its time to get some shut eye! My American friend then causes a fuss with the hotel porter that our guest cant come up to the room. I try and sort it out but it transfixes that we need to pay an overnight rate for him. Meanwhile my american friend and dutch mate who we met that night have gone to the room. I go up to tell " American" that "dutch" cannot stay i catch them getting off with each other as i walk in.
Im thinking hang on a minute we were meant to be spending time together wernt we??
" American" goes down to the hotel foyer to sort it out! The guy stays the night but its late so we fall asleep. Three in a bed! i am not happy im perched on the edge of a small double in a hotel room i payed for! I fall asleep.
I wake up about 5.30am to find them fumbling with each other in the bed next to me! I Blow my top!
I dont know whether the meds im in exacerbated it but it was pretty out of order anyway. The dutch guy left with American asking him not to!!! HOW FUCKING RUDE!!
American turns to me and says im out of order i tell him to fuck off .......so the holiday is going well!
I get up about 7am and phone my mate, on the hotel stairs to discuss whats happening, is this out of order or because of the meds am i being nasty - the conclusion is that the American is being cheeky and this is not what i signed up for!
I go back into the hotel room, pack the rest of my stuff. He is still in bed. I give him the riot act but give him the choice " look in going back to my flat for a sleep, if you still want to come to cornwall give me a call, i will be leaving by 10am". I dont actually leave till midday, but nothing, infact by the time i reach polperro in cornwall its 5pm still nothing.
I have a peaceful week, reading, drawing the beautiful scenery, eating seafood in local pubs, but it is tainted!
I leave on the friday morning, get back to brighton - still nothing. I check my emails on sunday night and there is an email written on the friday offering to meet for a drink and discuss what happened before he leaves on the sunday. He has already left, i write a fairly balanced email considering what has happened, nothing back.
We obviously wanted different things from this holiday, i just wish he had been up front. His last mail before he came over told me how sexy i was, how he couldnt wait to spend time with me - go figure!
So you live and you learn,
Heres to America - may you eventually get it right!